I’ve been single all of my life, and while I did not set out to stay single when I was young, it just so happened that I never dated anyone over the years that I ever really thought I’d want to marry. I came very close (within six weeks) of being married back when I was 31. The guy I was to marry was 35, divorced, with two small daughters who lived with his ex-wife in a different city, and he and I didn’t have a lot in common including our religious background (he was Catholic and I was Protestant). Long story short, when he asked me to marry him, the main reason I said yes was because my mother had just died from a prolonged illness three weeks earlier, and her death left a huge void in my life that I thought marrying him might help to fill.
Fortunately, I came to my senses six weeks before our scheduled wedding date when I woke up on my birthday, and I realized that was absolutely not a good reason to be getting married to a man I did not love nor did we have much in common. Also, my home church at that time had a policy where they could marry a divorced person to another divorced person, but they could not marry a divorced person (the guy I was to marry) to a never-married single person (me), so I couldn’t get married in the church I had attended all of my life. We ended up finding a chapel that would marry us and set a date to be married. I even bought a wedding dress, and my female friends at the time were thrilled that I was getting married.
Back then if a woman wasn’t married by the age of 30 it was anathema, but my own parents had divorced when I was 12 in the mid-1960’s, and I never wanted to end up like my mother ended up from the time she was divorced at 36 until she died at 54. My parent’s marriage lasted 16 years, and it was rocky for a long time. I think marriage scared me much more than still being single at the age of 30, and I wasn’t in love with that guy, either. Also, I had watched a couple of female friends marry men that they were not in love with just to be married. It was a serious curse for a woman to still be single after the age of 30 back then. That might still be true in some quarters in America and in other cultures, too.
Even with the societal pressure for a woman to be married by 30, I could not bring myself to marry a man I didn’t love and who, most likely, I’d be divorcing in the not-to-distant future as we really didn’t have anything in common. So I called off the wedding, and I ended up quitting the job I had at the time at a medical center to return to college to finish a bachelor’s degree. And I was thrilled to be back on a college campus again at a big state university where I did finish that bachelor’s degree two years later.
I mention the above as that is the closest I have ever come to being married. I did not know back then that as my life went on I would never ending up marrying, but that is, in fact, what has happened. I never met or dated a man I was even remotely interested in marrying, and a couple of guys who made my heart sing never asked me to marry them. Such is life (at least it has been in my life).
I did find as I got into my 40’s and 50’s that in church environments my particular demographic (never married older woman) was not the norm in singles groups, which were often filled with college age and/or divorced singles predominantly in their 20’s, 30’s and sometimes older. As I got into my 50’s, I practically gave up on finding a “fit” in the churches I attended as most churches focus on families and divorce-care type groups (which I didn’t fit into since I’m not divorced), and at that point I was way too old for the typical “singles” groups.
At my age now (I’m in the “senior” category) to tell anyone that I’ve never been married seems to raise eyebrows as to why I’ve never been married. Starting back in my mid-to-late 30’s, I felt the need at times to mention that I was heterosexual/straight to stop any assumptions that I might be a lesbian (which is not an uncommon assumption regarding never married older women).
Even today I find it hard to find a place where I really fit in at church as most churches are very family oriented (from very young families to grandparents), and most women in my age range are wives, mothers, grandmothers, and also widows or divorcees. Apparently, never married older women are as scarce as a $3 bill. I wish I could say I am divorced just so I could fit in at some level, but to be “never married” at my age still raises eyebrows. Marriage is the norm, and remaining single for all of one’s life is not.
If there is one person in the church who understands what it is like to be single for one’s entire life, it is the Apostle Paul who was never married. Paul wrote on the topic of marriage, singleness, and divorce in 1 Corinthians 7.
In an article published on March 30, 2017, titled “Does Paul Prefer Singleness?” by Thomas R. Schreiner, Ph.D., Professor of New Testament Interpretation at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, he writes:
Given the cultural climate in the United States, it’s surprising to see how positively Paul speaks about being single. He wishes all people were single (1 Cor. 7:7) and counsels widows to remain single if possible (1 Cor. 7:8). Singleness is preferred because of “the present distress” (1 Cor. 7:26, CSB), and those who aren’t married are advised not to “seek a wife” (1 Cor. 7:28). Married people are “concerned about the things of the world” (1 Cor. 7:33-34), but the unmarried are “concerned about the things of the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:32, 34), and thus the single person can concentrate on pleasing the Lord (1 Cor. 7:32). Paul thinks the one who doesn’t marry his fiancé does “better” than the one who gets married (1 Cor. 7:38). Those who don’t get remarried are “happier” (1 Cor. 7:40).
…Let’s not assume that everyone should get married or encourage everyone to get married. We need to reclaim the beauty of singleness as it is taught in the scriptures. Devoting one’s life to the Lord as a single person is something God commends, but we often view it as a second-class life. Yes, God intends most people to get married, but it doesn’t follow that singleness is second-class. Indeed, Paul prefers singleness since one can devote oneself to ministry and to the Lord without distraction.
…How can one tell if one should live a single life? If you have a strong desire to get married or strong sexual desires (1 Cor. 7:9), then you should pursue marriage. Paul isn’t saying to people who have a longing to be married that they must quench their desires and force themselves to be single. I think his advice is: don’t think you must or have to be married. If you can live happily as a single person, pursue such a life and honor the Lord with your time.
…What does all this have to say to a person who longs to be married and desires marriage but remains single? More and more people in our culture today find themselves in this situation. When the longings of our hearts aren’t realized, we are experiencing what the Bible calls “trials” or “afflictions” (Rom. 5:3–5), though we must remember that married people face trials and afflictions as well. Longing for marriage is an affliction and a trial, and it is probably one of the hardest afflictions a person faces. God doesn’t promise that the difficulties in our lives will vanish, and he doesn’t guarantee the desire to be married will be fulfilled.
But he does promise he will be with us as we go through the fire and the flood (Isa. 43:2). He calls upon us to trust him and to give ourselves to him, knowing that he loves us and that he knows best for our lives. In everything, he is working to make us more like his Son, Jesus Christ (Rom. 8:28–29). Let me close by encouraging you to read this very helpful article on singleness by Vaughn Roberts. (Quote source here.)
I appreciate his reflections as I didn’t expect to remain single all of my life, but I also never came across a suitable mate. Had I married I would certainly fit into most church cultures without a question being raised. Nobody chooses to be the “odd man out” in any type of social setting, and that includes the church.
In the article above, Dr. Schreiner linked to the following article at the end of his post that was published on September 2, 2014, and titled, “4 Things God Says to Singles,” by Vaughn Roberts, Rector of St. Ebbe’s Church in Oxford, and President of The Proclamation Trust. He opens his article with the following paragraph and then he lists the four items which I will list below but refer you to his article to read the description of each of those four items:
About 35 percent of adult church members in Britain are single, so clearly the subject of singleness has considerable personal interest to many people in our churches. Each single person will have a different experience. There are age differences. Being single at 20 is very different from being single at 30, 40, or 70. There are circumstantial differences: some have never married, while others are divorcees, widows, or widowers. And there are experiential differences: some have chosen to be single and are basically content; others long to be married and feel frustrated.
What does the Bible say to all these people? (Quote source here.)
At this point in his article he lists the following four items, and complete descriptions for each item can be read in his article at this link. Here are those four items:
- Singleness is a gift from God. (Click here to read.)
- Singleness has advantages. (Click here to read.)
- Singleness is hard. (Click here to read.)
- Singleness is not permanent. (Click here to read.)
One of the items he states near the end of his article is–“whatever your experience of singleness, recognize it as a gift from God and make the most of it for as long as you have it.” And in a final item he states:
Don’t think of singleness as second best. Christian preacher and author John Chapman spoke of friends taking him for long walks and telling him he should be married. He commented: “It would have been a great help if they had read the Bible, wouldn’t it?” (Quote source here.)
I concur with that thought. Singleness is not a curse, although those of us who are single and especially those who have never been married and are older are sometimes made to feel that way whether it is intentional or not.
Here are a few links to articles on people who were single in the Bible (click on titles to go to the articles):
- They Were Single, Too: A Sampling of Eight Bible Characters (Paul, Anna, Martha, Jeremiah, Ruth, Joseph, Nehemiah, and John the Baptist)
- Great Examples of Singleness in the Bible (Mary and Martha, Miriam, Jeremiah, Lydia, Ruth, John the Baptist, and Jesus)
- Single Women in the Bible: Called to God’s Purpose (Esther, Rahab, Mary Magdalene, Ruth and Naomi, Martha, Dorcas, Lydia, the widow at Zarephath–two of these women eventually married)–Esther (who became Queen), Ruth (a young widow who eventually married Boaz); Naomi was a widow and Ruth’s mother-in-law.
- Bible Characters Who Never Married (Elijah, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Anna, Paul, Mary Magdalene, and Jesus)
Singleness should never be viewed as being “second class” as we can see from many examples of Biblical characters who were single including Jesus. God can use anyone who is willing to seek after Him and His will for their lives.
I’ll end this post with a reminder to all of us whether young or old, single or married, widowed or divorced, that is found in 1 Corinthians 15:58 (NLT): So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know…
That nothing you do . . .
For the Lord . . .
Is ever useless . . .
YouTube Video: “Nobody” by Casting Crowns ft. Matthew West:
Sara's Reflections 